Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
should my penis look like a turkey
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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