yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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