Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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