Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
