Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
