you turned your livingroom into a bong?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
