dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
