My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
