I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
