its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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