Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
