yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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