You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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