good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
