I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I can't put those talents on a resume
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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