She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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