just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?