I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
