I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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