You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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