I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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