Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
