I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
