Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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