hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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