she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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