are you still at the devil's house?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
