The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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