you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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