So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am naked and annoyed.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
