i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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