If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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