he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
