I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
