i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
