do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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