Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
