wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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