I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
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