omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
