Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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