mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
