I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
