Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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