I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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