gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
