actually, I'm a sock model
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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