The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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