remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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