About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
