Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
