I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
