just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
