just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
