i need an iv and a liver transplant
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just invented taco cereal.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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