I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
