It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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