I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
